To be honest, I cried. I didn’t want to and at one point I didn’t think I was going to, but it happened.
I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to continue to be a beacon of light and hope for those around me.
I did not want them to see me cry because seeing me cry gave them permission to feed into their fears.
I know there is something bigger than our fears.
So, what does my tears mean? I’m not 100% sure. It’s sadness, fear and confusion. Despite, what I know.
I don’t understand. Truth be told, I never did. I can’t wrap my head around this thing and I rarely ever try.
Sometimes, I wonder “why God?”
The door I hoped would open to me, only cracked a little but never opened. Now it feels like it has been slammed shut.
What do I do with that hope? Where do I put it?
I have only felt my world change in this way two times before.
When my son died and I realized the hope I had that God would swoop in with a miracle, be my hero and save him from death; died with my him.
And when the son of a great family of God I truly looked up to and admired had fallen so, so far from grace.
My world was forever changed.
It has changed again. Now I wait to see where it leads and what is to become of me
What door will God open in place of the one He never did.
What do I do now? I was so sure this was the door.
Where do I go from here?
I guess, I continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to pray, continue to believe, continue to stand, continue to live.
That God is always with me!
Peace, Love and Blessings to you.