To be honest, I cried. I didn’t want to and at one point I didn’t think I was going to, but it happened.

I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to continue to be a beacon of light and hope for those around me.

I did not want them to see me cry because seeing me cry gave them permission to feed into their fears.

I know there is something bigger than our fears.

So, what does my tears mean? I’m not 100% sure. It’s sadness, fear and confusion. Despite, what I know.

I don’t understand. Truth be told, I never did. I can’t wrap my head around this thing and I rarely ever try.

Sometimes, I wonder “why God?”

The door I hoped would open to me, only cracked a little but never opened. Now it feels like it has been slammed shut.

Now what?

What do I do with that hope? Where do I put it?

I have only felt my world change in this way two times before.

When my son died and I realized the hope I had that God would swoop in with a miracle, be my hero and save him from death; died with my him.

And when the son of a great family of God I truly looked up to and admired had fallen so, so far from grace.

My world was forever changed.

It has changed again. Now I wait to see where it leads and what is to become of me

What door will God open in place of the one He never did.

What do I do now? I was so sure this was the door.

Where do I go from here?

I guess, I continue to hope, continue to dream,  continue to pray, continue to believe, continue to stand, continue to live.

Knowing…….

That God is always with me!

Peace, Love and Blessings to you.

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