Countdown to Mother’s Day- A Mother’s Fears

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Countdown to Mother’s Day- A Mother’s Fears

A Mother's FearsMother’s day is about two weeks away, so I thought I would write a few post about motherhood and what it is to me as we count down to that very special day for moms and people who treasure them.

Last Sunday, I sat in the front seat of our Church with a camera in hand recording my two eldest children (girl-8, boy-5) singing Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) together on the platform for the first time.

My daughter sang on stage in front of lots of people numerous times, she even entered a competition once. My son on the other hand, even though he sings quite often and loudly at home, this was his first time singing with his big sister on the platform at Church.

Leading up to this performance, I was quite nervous for them, because I was unsure how this performance was going to go. Even though my son is perfectly gifted in singing in his own right. He tended to be very stubborn, and could choose not to sing or not to sing with a smile on his face for any given reason.

I wanted this performance to work out, not only for the adorable and proud mama factor, but because this was possibly going to be our last time at that Church for a while and my children’s last performance there for a while. I thought that would be such a blessed way to say our good byes.

The performance went well and all my fears and worries once again were alleviated. I was more nervous than my kids were. They were perfectly calm and confident in their task. I thank God that they have that peace that comes from confidence and lack of fear, that peace that I want but don’t have.

I regularly tell my husband that my body, mind & spirit have been in a state of fear so long, that it does not know the difference between fear and excitement, worry and joy. It practically reacts the same way. My heart races, my chest feels like someone is squeezing my insides really tight, and I could hardly breathe.

I use to be a very fearful person, lonely, lacking confidence and faith in myself. The thorn in my flesh- the one I constantly prayed and ask God to remove. (2 Corinthians 12: 7-10)

My Grace is Sufficient

 

Year after year, this thorn remained. I was so afraid. Afraid to leave my home, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. This fear translated into dizziness, slurred speech, blurry vision and the inability to move (frozen with fear).

However, I didn’t let these discomforts stop me from trying to go places and do things. The days I came home without incident or managing to push past these occurrences to do what I had to do, I felt very proud. Proud that I accomplished something basic, that people do without thought every day, like crossing a busy street or going shopping.

Thorn

The days where I did not overcome the situation as I would have liked to, I came home hating myself, my life and angry at God for refusing to remove this thorn.

Becoming a mother heighten these irrational fears by mixing in some rational ones. I lived in the land of “What if.” I had to overcome this in order to be the mother my children needed me to be.

I can’t let my husband carry the burden of one extra adult-child to take care of.

I struggled with these heavy burdens since about when I hit adolescence. For many years I was confused and didn’t understand what was happening to me. Why couldn’t I function like everyone else? For me life wasn’t about living it was about surviving.

I was also very alone, because I didn’t openly tell anyone what I was going through, I tried to hide it and fake happiness and confidence, when inside I was terrified and panicked.

I first shared with my husband when we got married, then eventually I shared with a few others. This in itself took away some of the burden, because now I didn’t have to carry the heavy load of trying to hide my weakness.

In the early stage of our marriage, my husband and I struggled with this because he wanted a strong, confident wife and mother, but he had a weak, hopeless, depressed, fearful woman to console as best as he could constantly.

Then he tried tough love, which did not work. It only made me resent myself and him, and angry at God even more. He wanted me to snap out of it, but these issues where deeply rooted, and I struggled to find the roots to pull them out.

This continued on for years and years. I tried using “Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety” program, then later counseling. Which I never completed, but did help me understand some principles behind anxiety. I knew what changes I needed to make to get better.

At one point, I even started taking medication to help calm me down.

In 2011, I experienced one of my worst fears. I carried a baby for 9 months, and 5 days after he was born, he died. This whole experience by itself is a chapter book that someday I want to write.

With this experience, brought about change for me. I realized that if I can go through this and overcome through God’s grace. God’s grace would give me the strength and power to overcome anything the world sends my way.

From that time on I felt stronger and more confident. More and more, I continued to feel stronger and more confident. As my faith grew, my fears faded.

God’s grace really was/is sufficient. No man-made program, medication or councilor could break these strongholds. Only God could break these chains and he did. Not in a way I expected but His way was effective, as He knew it would be.

I still struggle with fear a little bit, but more and more it is moving away from irrational fear to the kind of fear and worry that comes with being human.

My Chains Are Gone

By | 2017-02-22T13:18:34+00:00 April 23rd, 2015|Anxiety Struggles, Motherhood|22 Comments

22 Comments

  1. Sharon April 24, 2015 at 12:20 pm - Reply

    Oh Latisha, I so know what you’re talking about. This line summarized so much for me: “…in a state of fear so long, that it does not know the difference between fear and excitement, worry and joy.” I’ve lived in that place all my life (60 years). And yet, the Lord has helped me with this most difficult *thorn* – and it is His grace that gives me strength. I’m so sorry about the tragic event that occurred with your son, but your testimony to how God brought you through that most difficult time is very encouraging to me. Thank you for sharing that.

    Fear is a mighty weapon in the hand of the enemy, and he uses it against us to weaken and immobilize us. Praying with you that as women, and as moms, that the Lord will enable us to rise above and be the warriors He wants us to be!!

    GOD BLESS!

  2. Gentle Joy April 24, 2015 at 9:23 pm - Reply

    What a great post! Thank you for sharing your heart so transparently. I am so sorry about the loss of your precious newborn baby… and I am thankful that it seems God has helped you handle your life with grace. It is such a process and I appreciate the testimony. Thank you.

  3. Sarah Fuller April 25, 2015 at 9:54 am - Reply

    Thank you so much for this powerful post. I struggled with panic attacks for years before knowing what was happening.

  4. Ifeoma Samuel April 26, 2015 at 10:39 am - Reply

    Hi Latisha, thank you for sharing your experience or rather Testimony.May the Lord strengthen you and fill you up.
    I would have visited earlier, had my book reading and signing yesterday.
    Finally, I tried to look for your contact on this article cant find it.
    Could you please drop your email on my blogger contact. I will love to ask a question about this story.
    Many Blessings to you Latisha

  5. S.L. Payne April 27, 2015 at 8:18 pm - Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It is really inspirational that you can turn this horrible tragedy to something that points others to God and being strong in Him. Thanks so much for sharing and glad to have found your site today.
    -Sara

  6. […] Twitter | Bloglovin | Google+ | Facebook | Pinterest Co-Host Latisha// AskLatisha // A Mother’s Fears // I use to be a very fearful person, lonely, lacking confidence and faith in myself. The thorn in […]

  7. Gayl April 28, 2015 at 10:52 am - Reply

    Wow, you have really come through a lot. It’s great to see how God has worked to help you through your fears. I’m so sorry for your loss. May God continue to comfort you as it is something you will never forget. I pray that as you draw ever closer to Him, you will continue to be a blessing to others as your share your story. I’m your neighbor at Letetia’s Motivate and Rejuvenate Monday linkup!

  8. […] Twitter | Bloglovin | Google+ | Facebook | Pinterest Co-Host Latisha// AskLatisha // A Mother’s Fears // I use to be a very fearful person, lonely, lacking confidence and faith in myself. The thorn in […]

  9. Terri Presser April 29, 2015 at 5:48 am - Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and for being so open and honest. We lost a daughter at 26 weeks gestation and the pain that a parent feels at the loss of a child is immense and my heart goes out to you. We never lost sight of God, we knew He was in control but this didn’t lessen the pain and I admit I had a lot of why questions. I have had more fear since then and have really needed to focus on God and realise that He loves our children more than we do and He is in control. I pray God will continue to bless you and your family and I feel so blessed to have been able to read your journey and how God has blessed you through it. Thanks for sharing at Good Morning Mondays.

  10. […] Twitter | Bloglovin | Google+ | Facebook | Pinterest Co-Host Latisha// AskLatisha // A Mother’s Fears // I use to be a very fearful person, lonely, lacking confidence and faith in myself. The thorn in […]

  11. […] Co-Host Latisha// AskLatisha // A Mother’s Fears // I use to be a very fearful person, lonely, lacking confidence and faith in myself. The thorn in […]

  12. Jenna April 29, 2015 at 12:56 pm - Reply

    Wonderful post. I used to suffer from anxiety daily….

    It really is a journey to discover the roots of ur fear.

  13. Brandi Clevinger April 29, 2015 at 5:45 pm - Reply

    I completely relate with you. I didn’t have issues with anxiety until I had kids. Until a few months ago, my night anxiety would be unbearable and frozen with fear. Night sweats, blood pressure rising, not being able to sleep, and more. I’ve gotten some relief with it, but ti’s still there.

    Thank you for sharing your story at #SmallVictoriesSundayLinkup !

  14. […] is very open and honest about her fears of motherhood in her post A Mother’s Fears at Ask […]

  15. Celi May 10, 2015 at 11:26 am - Reply

    Thank you so much for your honesty! Fear can be crippling if we let it. I have struggled through the much anxiety through the years and am just learning how to give it over to the Lord. It’s a tough road but never impossible if we just fix our eyes. Here’s praying that we never lose sight of Him who is greater than any fear. Thanks for sharing!!!

  16. Karen Del Tatto May 12, 2015 at 3:52 pm - Reply

    Latisha, thank you so much for sharing your heart in this matter. I could relate to so much of what you shared. I can’t even comprehend your devastating experience losing a precious baby, but you saw it through Kingdom eyes and God has surely blessed that.

    Beth Moore had us do an exercise during one of her Bible studies where you take your fear to the farthest place it could go. She used examples of divorce and the death of a child, but through that exercise, she showed that when you talk it through even the most devastating event to its worst conclusion, you can see how God would give you the grace and redeem the trial. And that in the end you would be okay.

    Praising God that He has redeemed your fears and is using you to help others who have experienced those same anxieties.

  17. Teresa May 12, 2015 at 7:57 pm - Reply

    I wanted to let you know that this spoke so truly to my heart. I know the fear of doing anything. The feeling of being so dizzy and disoriented while shopping because of fear. I still feel proud to get ‘basic’ chores done. Thank you.

  18. Jen May 14, 2015 at 9:56 pm - Reply

    Hi, Latisha, I’m stopping by from Grace and Truth. What a testimony you have of being freed from the chains of fear. You’re right – it sounds like you could write an excellent book on it! Thank you for sharing with us last week.
    Jen :)

  19. […] , A Mother’s Fears and Moving Week Diaries (God is Worth the […]

  20. Life Breath Present May 18, 2015 at 10:32 am - Reply

    What a touching post! Fear really is an awful thing to be gripped with. I used to have tons of fear in my life, too. Now though, now I know that fear isn’t what will make me stronger, walking through with faith is. I get the courage to walk through by the faith that I have, it’s not simply being stubborn, it’s a deeper more spiritual part of me. To sit in gratitude, love, joy, and accept goodness is a practice (for me) in being faithful, which leads to courage and then through difficulties. :)

  21. LindseyLoo May 18, 2015 at 2:59 pm - Reply

    Latisha, first of all, thank you for sharing your story. THIS IS WHAT WE NEED TO HEAR. We need to learn on one another, share out pain. In Peter God talks about “standing firm in the faith” knowing that “these things are being accomplished in the entire association of brothers”. Yes, we are all groaning together. Your story is encouraging so many who feel alone.

    I am glad that you are coping and have a renewed strength and will.
    James ch. 1: “This tested quality of your faith works out endurance.”
    Keep going Mama.

  22. Mum Of Five Girls May 18, 2015 at 9:29 pm - Reply

    Thank you for sharing so intimately. It serves as a reminder that you never know what people are going through from the outside.
    #TeamMM

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