It was a year ago today that I was at the hospital holding my son to my chest, crying and pleading with God that if he was going to heal his body he’d have to do it now because we were running out of time.
It was a year ago today that I watched my son turn blue and gasp for air as they disconnected him from the machine that was helping him to breath and keeping him alive.
We were there to say our goodbyes, after the day before the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do to save his life.
I spent that night, crying all the tears I had to cry and telling God that I couldn’t do what he was asking of me, I couldn’t say goodbye.
Up until the very end, when my son took his last breathe and gasp his last gasp I believed that God had the power to heal him and turn things around, and even though in this case he choose not too, the faith that he had the power to do that has not been shaken.
The world tells me I should be sad and distraught, distrusting and fearful, but instead I am thankful. I am thankful for the gift of knowing him and thankful for the victory through the storm, I am thankful for what this experience has taught me, I am thankful of what a difference I’ll make when opportunities arise to tell my story. I am filled with gratitude.
I am glad I put my trust in the Lord and didn’t listen when the doctors told me early in this journey that it was hopeless and that we should consider terminating pregnancy. I can’t imagine never knowing my son. I treasure those 36 weeks and 6 days, they are forever forged on my heart. It was hard season but well worth the price to spend the moments I had with my son.
I am so thankful that we have an angel from our little family spending time with God in heaven.
Yesterday, I visited the 5th church my family has visited this year in search of a new church home and I felt compelled to kneel at the altar. I asked God to show me where to go from here because I don’t know what his plans are for us, I just know I want to follow the path his has for us.
I want to be the woman God made me to be, but pursuing that woman is incredibly hard, and it keeps getting harder and harder. I want to be a healthy and strong mother for my children. I want to be a woman of confidence, courage, wisdom, knowledge, discipline and strength. I want to honor my children with my life and give them a solid foundation and the tools to make a difference.
I don’t know how everything will turn out and I certainly don’t get it right all the time, I try my best but I need God to be with me because I can’t do this on my own. Good luck to those who try.
Last Wednesday, 14th November 2012, my family and I celebrated Kaiden’s 1st birthday, we spent the day, baking and decorating a birthday cake, making Rice Krispie Treats (that kind of tasted like hot sauce –seems there was a little in the butter), we made him birthday cards that we will put in a memory box in his honor and later on we sang happy birthday to the heavens and wished him happy birthday. It was a good day.
I am filled with gratitude this day, with Thanksgiving Day on the horizon. I have a lot to be thankful for and I know God has more blessings in store for this family. I praise Him and honor Him with all my heart.
To learn more of Kaiden’s story, please take them the time to view my “Remembering Kaiden” poetry collection.
This is a collection of poetry written about our son Kaiden, who we lost November 2011. He was only six days old.