Parenting by far is one of the most heart wrenching, draining, hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and that’s only if you have one child. It multiplies for each additional child. Now I understand why people respond to be so strangely when I share my desire to have many children.
Many times, for each new pregnancy I’ve worried and question my own sanity. What am I doing? Am I crazy?
In these modern times, when people are too busy to be in each other lives and older woman are too busy living their own lives to carry out their role as teachers of the young (Titus 2 Women). I very much feel like I am on my own.
So of course, I doubt my chosen, God-ordained path as a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of multiple children. I am pretty much on my own in this journey with no older women around to truly provide Godly wisdom. Not even my mother, who is more fearful, doubtful, depressed and confused than I.
My mother and father separated and divorced from the time I was six years old, and for the most part my mother raised me. My mother has struggled with the strongholds I mentioned above for as long as I have known her. She passed them on to me and now they are my strongholds as well.
Somehow along with those strongholds deep rooted in me, there is someone different, the optimistic, hopeful, artistic, passionate woman, mother and wife that I am. Those two battle every single day.
Truly, constantly in my parenting walk I feel like an empty vessel with no clue as to what I need to do, how to do it, and if I should do it at all. I am very much divinely led. Still, though I may be led by God, I am the one who has to walk the path. I am the one who has to walk strong, walk fearlessly, walk wisely. Very much I fail to stand strong and confident with my full armor protection the way I would like to.
Now even more than ever, I feel like that empty vessel. Out of her comfort zone in the valley of the unknown.
We moved about three months ago from where we were living for 90% of my parenting journey (moved there about exactly 8 years ago). We lived above my mother-in-law and she was our safety net.
Now we moved to a home we always dream of and prayed for, with big backyard and lots of room for our family’s new size. We are in a place where we have no family, no friends, no church home and no transportation as yet. We are captains of our own ship now, sink or sail is all on us.
By God’s grace, He has kept us so far and our ship has not sunk, but we have to be constantly on guard, keeping our hands on the helm.
So why did I choose to send my kids (4th grader & kindergartner) to school, well for the reasons I mentioned above.
Feeling like that unsure empty vessel.
Being a mother of multiples and struggling to give my children’s education what it deserves (my time and attention) because my two little ones demand so much of me.
Feeling like I am carrying the load of motherhood and wifehood on my own. No one to ask for help or Godly advice.
No church home, no friends, no family, no safety net in our new hometown.
No transportation to get around at the moment.
I want my children to make friends in our new hometown, I want them to gain experiences that I can‘t provide for them right now, I don’t want their education to suffer because I just can’t balance it all at this time.
My daughter will be turning 9 years old this week. She is an outgoing, energetic, athletic, inquisitive, artistic, passionate, confidant, people person. The best of both her parents. I feel like I am stifling who she is with just limiting her to our family bubble.
My 5 year old son is very intelligent– He has the mathematical mind of an engineer. I am often amazed by his intelligence. However, I feel he could use some practice in socializing with other kids. Learning how to deal with anger or frustration, learning how to share.
Mind you, my kids are not unsocialized hermits right now, they are very capable of confidently talking and playing with others. Despite, the fact of being homeschooled for the last three years. They are also well educated-so I don’t doubt my ability to teach them.
I just want them to experience more than our little world.
How do I feel about sending them to school, probably the way I feel about a lot of things, sad and afraid. I want to go on my kid’s educational and growing up journey with them.
I am a homeschool mom at heart. I know in my heart that I will be homeschooling again in the near future, but this is what is needed for this season.
I will trust God to watch over my kids when they are not with me and I am confident that our neighborhood elementary school is a safe one.
My kids will be just fine and this season will turn out just right.
Thank you for reading piece my heart.