Guess what I had for my dinner last night. Lobster, a reasonably good size. Lobster is one of my favorite things on earth to eat. I shared this special meal with someone very special to me-my husband and best friend. No, we didn’t go to a fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant. We ate this special meal together in our living room, watching Hawaii 5-O.
Guess what my ears are hearing right now- birds singing. It is exactly 5:26 in the morning (my 9 month old woke up at 4 a.m), my bedroom window is open and outside sounds like an Aviary.
I am living in a season of answered prayers- I’m in the new home I asked God for, I have the backyard I asked God for, I am growing the garden I’ve always wanted (well sort of), I hear birds more than I hear cars where I live- a very specific request I have asked of my father. I should be grateful and happy.
Mind you, my life hasn’t suddenly gotten perfect. There are still very many challenges I’m faced with in this season. Some of these challenges accompanied me from my old season and some are new challenges that came attached to this new season. I wonder of God, why is there always a price to pay for anything worth having. Why couldn’t it just be easy-simple as that.
Happiness is a choice, happiness is a state of mind. These are words I have heard time and again. You choose to be happy.
So what is wrong with me? Why do I struggle so, with misused emotions? What emotions am I talking about? I’m referring to the feelings of- Anger, Worry, Rejection, and Loneliness. Aren’t these some of the same emotions I referred to feeling months ago, when I wanted God to move me from my old apartment to some place better? Hasn’t He done that for me?
So again I asked- what’s wrong with me?
To understand where these drowning emotions stem is to understand my history. Which we really don’t have enough time to go into, but I have struggled with these emotions for years and years. Where did this cycle begin? Depression in my family, I know (I don’t 100 % know my history either) have stemmed from my Grandmother (my mom’s mom), she died young and use to drink her depression away (so I was told). It did not skip my mother and is fighting very hard to take me as well.
I am not Bipolar or a depress person, but there has always been that battle raging inside me. I have struggled with Anxiety for as long as I have been old enough to think and worry for myself. I have struggled with the fear of life and everything there in.
There has always been two mes at war with themselves.
There’s me- she’s my mother’s daughter- she is never happy, she is always worried, she has no hope and she is surrounded by people who don’t love her- she always wants her way and is very angry when she doesn’t get it, she lashes out at the people she loves in anger, she also entertains the thought of suicide.
Then there is me-my father’s daughter-she is very talented, passionate, determined, hard-working, filled with hope, dreams and a desire to do good for people-if only she had the resources.
Then there is me, a smaller me, not exactly an active fighter in the war, just a tiny little girl caught in the middle. Torn between the hopeless me-who doesn’t see anything good, not even in anything good and the hopeful me- who envisions a beautiful and thriving future for myself, who sees the true Godly woman I could become.
This little me, doesn’t know who she is, but she knows who she wants to be. Being who she wants to be seems like an impossible feat. She is drowning in this war and she is reaching for God and crying out for help.
She feels weak and helpless.
Guess who is winning the battle right now?