If you have been reading any of my post since the beginning of 2015, you have caught a glimpse of my journey- spiritual, mental and physical, as I have struggled to navigate this season of motherhood as a homeschooling mother of four children-8, 5, toddler, baby in a small (use to be big) three bedroom, one bathroom, no dining room, one kitchen, one family room apartment.
When I first moved into this apartment, I couldn’t get in there soon enough. We were living downstairs in my mother-in-law’s apartment, our little family of three in one room.
I was anxious to start a life in our own space but had to wait until the folks who lived upstairs moved out. That wait felt like forever, just like the wait to get out of that same apartment into the home I am in now. My life has changed, and that change scares me.
It used to be so much simpler, but suddenly it got really challenging. Suddenly, that apartment that use to be so wonderful, became very difficult to live in. Suddenly, my sweet 6, then 7 year old who was a joy to homeschool, her personality changed, and not to one I like very much at the moment. My once 3 year old who was so sweet and lovable-his personality changed too.
At this juncture in my motherhood walk, I am challenged by an eight year old daughter who has become unfocused in her schoolwork and prefers just to run wild and play all the time. Which may sound like a regular eight year old thing I guess, but to me it is a complete surprise, considering the way she was when she was 6 and 7 years old. She loved school and learning. Now all she wants to do is be loud, obnoxious and play ALL THE TIME.
She and her 5 year old brother are very close. He is her play buddy, because as a homeschool kid, there really isn’t anyone else. I am happy for this closeness, but worry that she acts like a 5 year old because her closest friend is a 5 year old.
Now she is older, she helps around the house by washing dishes, folding laundry, preparing the dining room table for meals, along with cleaning up their messes after play. She is a good helper, but unfortunately at this juncture does not help with a good attitude, because helping around the house and schoolwork interrupts her play. Some of you, may read this and think, what you expect from an 8 old. Truth, be told with all my talking and teaching, I hoped for a better attitude.
My five year old was a very sweet 3 and 4 year old. His smile can light up a whole room. Unfortunately, at the juncture, I am challenged by the fact that- he whines, frowns, and reacts very unpleasantly- EVERY SINGLE TIME he is told no, even if he heard many yeses before that no.
For instance, I give him a snack and he ask for more, I give him more. Then he ask for more again and I tell him no. His reaction would not be very good and often lead to us having to discipline him. This does not feel very good.
My 5 year old son has no patience at all, he would be one of those kids that would ask “are we there yet” every 2 minutes. He also has the persistence to ask “are we there yet” every 2 minutes. He gets mad very quickly and is quite stubborn. Not an easy going combination in one child.
Sadly, he is also making a habit of telling lies, every though we have spoken to him about it many times.
Then there is the additional challenge of a toddler who troubles and get into everything. Throw his food on the floor when he is finished eating, likes to cling to his parents and doesn’t really want to be with his siblings so much and he also whines and cries a lot. Practically, all day long.
Then there is baby with his baby needs- changed, fed, washed, loved. He is crawling around and preparing to get into everything as well.
Oh, the challenges of this season of motherhood. Often, I doubt my ability to hack it and am terrified of the knowledge that it is not getting any easier from here. I really can’t do this by myself. I would fail, without a doubt. I need you Lord.
I want you to know that I understand that this is just a season in my motherhood walk. I understand that this is just a phase
I consider my children a blessing, four wonderful gifts from God, the greatest gifts among my many from my Father. I pray God would help me be the mother I need to be for them.
At this juncture of motherhood, I’m in survival mode, but I miss the way things used to be, when I played games with them, did puzzles with them, read them bedtime stories. I want to get back to enjoying my kids. I want to get back to loving being with them, when it wasn’t a job but a joy. Only God could help me get there. Not back to my past, but into a thriving future. Loving them for who they are now and not who they use to be.
I want you to know, that I love my children more than anything in the world and I want to be more than a mother just making it through the day. I want to create memories with them, laugh with them, smile with them, hug them and kiss them often. Help me lord to find my way there.
Help me Lord, to fall in love