To be honest, I cried. I didn’t want to and at one point I didn’t think I was going to, but it happened.

I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to continue to be a beacon of light and hope for those around me.

I did not want them to see me cry because seeing me cry gave them permission to feed into their fears.

I know there is something bigger than our fears.

So, what does my tears mean? I’m not 100% sure. It’s sadness, fear and confusion. Despite, what I know.

I don’t understand. Truth be told, I never did. I can’t wrap my head around this thing and I rarely ever try.

Sometimes, I wonder “why God?”

The door I hoped would open to me, only cracked a little but never opened. Now it feels like it has been slammed shut.

Now what?

What do I do with that hope? Where do I put it?

I have only felt my world change in this way two times before.

When my son died and I realized the hope I had that God would swoop in with a miracle, be my hero and save him from death; died with my him.

And when the son of a great family of God I truly looked up to and admired had fallen so, so far from grace.

My world was forever changed.

It has changed again. Now I wait to see where it leads and what is to become of me

What door will God open in place of the one He never did.

What do I do now? I was so sure this was the door.

Where do I go from here?

I guess, I continue to hope, continue to dream,  continue to pray, continue to believe, continue to stand, continue to live.


That God is always with me!



Peace, Love and Blessings to you.

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