Waiting On God: What I Feel Vs What I know

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Waiting On God: What I Feel Vs What I know

waitingongodI have to be honest. I feel frustrated. Not for the reasons you think. Yes, I have four children (8, 5, toddler, baby). Yes, I am a homemaking, work-at-home, homeschooling, blogging wife and mom, but those are not the reason for my frustrations, not directly anyway.

I am a Proverbs 31 woman in training and though I am training in the field, because there was a lot of things I was not taught that I wish I was. I’m not frustrated not because of the life I chose or to put it in another way, my choice career.

I am frustrated because my space feels cramped. My life feels ready for a change. I feel a strong desire to transition to another season in my life. I would like a bigger work space (as teacher and manager of my home) and some vacation time.

What I really mean is, I would like to move our family of six from our cramped apartment to a bigger home in which I would be able to better manage the day to day running of our life as a home business, homeschooling family. I would like an increase in financial blessings to be able to afford that change and to be honest I could simply use a vacation, not away from my family, with them.

This is my fifth article in my blog series “Transitions-Waiting for a Season of Change.” I have talked about our home dynamics, though words cannot adequately express the challenges that we deal with daily in balancing these kids in their various ages & stages.

My daughter is 8 years old now and I feel in my heart it is time for her to get her own room. I dream of having mother-daughter moments in a space away from her brothers. A place to chat about girl stuff. Talk about the changes ahead (her body, etc). A place where she can go and have some quiet time to read, draw, and write a song or poem. Get the little ‘me’ time, that an eight year old girl with three little brothers need.

I dream of having a manageable space to conduct kindergarten lessons and have a play area for my two little ones all is one room, so I won’t have to worry about my little firecracker (or dynamite according to my husband) toddler getting into stuff.

I think about painting the walls pretty vibrant colors that make you feel happy and alive. I think about conducting art projects  and putting family photos in frames to hang all over the walls of the house. I desire a hobby area where I can sit and read, write, scrapbook, paint, fix puzzles, take blog post pics without the hassle and space constraints.

I want to get back to a more manageable life. To feel at peace in my home. For my home to feel like a home again. This apartment use to feel this way, but not anymore.

Though I know God is working behind the scenes to bring about the change I know He knows we so desperately need. I still struggle with my frustration which sometimes turn into anger.

I listened to two sermon’s recently by Pastor Adrian Rogers, one was called “The Magnificent Mother,” the other was called “5 Ways to be a successful Husband.” In one of these sermons, Pastor Adrian Rogers said that “a man is goal-oriented, with his greatest fulfillment found in his work; a woman’s greatest fulfillment is in her home and her relationships.”

I know these words to be true. From experience, it is times when my home or a relationship with someone is in disarray that I am at my worst emotionally.

So how do I know it is time to move forward?
1.) My home no longer feels like a home
2.) I am no longer at peace in my home
3.) I don’t find joy in the things that use to bring me joy anymore- my souvenir collection, my scrapbooks, my books- now they just feel like things crowding my space- so I put them away in boxes
4.) I no longer have good management control over my home- no matter how hard I try
5.) I can’t keep the house clean and organize like I use to- no matter how hard I try
6.) Every single day I feel the frustration of my situation
7.) I can’t get myself to smile, even though I want to
8.) My mind and spirit feels congested
9.) Sometimes I feel like I need to getaway
10.) I am angry at myself for feeling this way
11.) I am angry at myself for letting this spirit (frustration/anger) into my days
12.) I am angry at myself for not being more patient
13.) I am angry at myself for not being stronger

It is times like this where praying for yourself is very hard to do. Like right now for instance, my emotions are in such a state, as per described above, that I find it very difficult to utter a word to God.

Please don’t think I am just sitting around feeling cranky and frustrated all the time. Despite, things being more chaotic than I’d like it to be. They are silver linings from which I derive my joy.

I find joy in my children’s smiles, in their drawings and creations, when I see the ways in which they have grown and developed, in hearing them laugh, in the friends and helpers God has sent even though they are few. In a good Hallmark or UPtv movie, in an inspiring blog post from other like-minded mom bloggers, in developing my blog, in my writing, in kind comments to something I have written and the list goes on. I still in delight the good things.

I told my husband today that I am at war with myself, part of me wants to be responsible (as a homeschooling mom, homemaker, wife) and do what I have to do (daily responsibilities) and the other wants to go dancing in the rain. Meaning, I want to be at peace again. I want to play.

Why does my surroundings have to be so influential on my state of being? I really wish it wasn’t. I have always been that way. I am not a clean freak but I like things organized and tidy. It makes me feel relaxed when things are neat and tidy.

I know that God knows my desires, he put them there. He is working beyond where I can see to pave a way for my family and I, to move us to a more manageable situation.

So there you go I just told you what I know and what I feel. I will continue to do my best each day with what I have and wait on God.

Update- Thank you for making it to the end of this post. I wanted to share with you dear faithful readers. That I wrote this article about three weeks ago. I don’t feel this level of frustration anymore, God has found ways to bring me peace while I wait. I posted this article anyway, because it documents that part of my transition journey. I believe in my heart that change is coming and I want that transition to be documented.

Check out the other post in this series: Transitions: Waiting for a season of Change

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By |2017-02-22T13:18:50+00:00March 17th, 2015|Transitions: Waiting for a Season of Change|16 Comments

16 Comments

  1. Letetia Mullenix March 19, 2015 at 9:30 pm - Reply

    Latisha,

    I am suddenly convinced, that one day, somehow, we will meet and will be close friends. But, in the meantime, know that you have a sister in Christ, who understands your struggle. Not only do I understand your struggle, but I am in my own waiting season (which is actually the name of a post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago). And I want you to know that I understand, and I am with you. But, I am also excited for us both. Because I know that God is preparing to transition us to our next season, and the next place in our journey. I will keep you in prayer and please pray for me. God bless,

    Letetia

  2. Latisha Barker March 22, 2015 at 12:01 pm - Reply

    Hi Letetia,

    You know truth be told. I felt that way also, when I read the article you wrote about your son and found your blog for the first time. I feel like we have a lot in common, and that our kids would get along with each other splendidly. I hope we can grow in friendship , until we are able to meet. Hope it might be sooner than we’d expect. Blessings to you, i’ll keep you in my prayers and thanks for commenting.

  3. Michele Morin March 23, 2015 at 11:29 am - Reply

    Wow, lots of strong feelings going on in this post, and I remember when I was EXACTLY in your position: homeschooling mother of four with a baby and a toddler on board just to make sure that nothing educational happened on their watch. Such a challenge time of life. An Elisabeth Elliot quote that helped me in those times and that continues to help me today is (and I won’t get this exactly right): Life is full of countless sorrows and innumerable joys. We should not get to discouraged about the one or too elated about the other.
    Her words help me to keep my eyes on the unseen, the hope that is not of this world with all its dishes and diapers and laundry, etc. Glad to have found your blog at Motivate and Rejuvenate Mondays.

    • Latisha Barker March 24, 2015 at 4:31 am - Reply

      Hi Michele,

      I’m really glad you found my blog too. I really appreciate you taking the time to share some encouragement. It’s good to hear from a mother on the other side. Blessings to you.

  4. Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom March 23, 2015 at 1:18 pm - Reply

    I’m so glad God brought you some peace in the midst of these intense feelings and frustrations.

    I pray that the Lord continues to see you through this period of your life and I pray that when He wants you to jump to action, you will move swiftly to accomplish His will for you and your family.

    Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely day.
    xoxo

    • Latisha Barker March 24, 2015 at 4:28 am - Reply

      Hi Jennifer,

      Thank you so much for your encouragement and prayers. I really appreciate you stopping by.

  5. Anastasia March 25, 2015 at 12:19 am - Reply

    I really like how you mentioned that God puts our desires in us. I often feel like what I want to do the rest of my life flip flops too often… but I love everything I choose to do. Thank you for sharing your story. (Found you through the Tell It To Me Tuesday link up!)

    • Latisha Barker March 25, 2015 at 5:39 am - Reply

      Hi Anastasia,

      Thanks so much for stopping by. I’m glad you enjoyed the story I shared.

  6. Heather @ My Overflowing Cup March 25, 2015 at 5:39 pm - Reply

    Such wisdom here, Latisha! God’s timing is always better than our own. The key is being able to remember that which we know rather than get stuck because of how we feel.

    Praying for you and yours in this season and for His provision in the next.

  7. […] from Jen at HealthySimplicity.ca Discovering Grace in Waiting from Wynter at MadetoMother.com Waiting on God: What I Feel Vs What I Know by me at […]

  8. Terri Presser March 29, 2015 at 4:40 am - Reply

    Thank you for sharing this great post with us at Good Morning Mondays. Blessings

  9. Sharon Rowe March 29, 2015 at 3:07 pm - Reply

    Great post thanks for sharing on Monday Madness link party! Hope to see you there next week :)

  10. Kelly @ Mum-bo March 31, 2015 at 8:01 am - Reply

    I love how you have highlighted what you feel and what you know. It is kind of prioritising needs and wants in a way, isn’t it? Thanks for linking up at Mum-bo Monday

  11. Jen April 9, 2015 at 9:59 pm - Reply

    Hi, Letitia! I’m so glad you found some peace in the midst of that chaos. I think we’ve all been there at times when we just feel discontent, either with our surroundings or with life circumstances. I’m glad you went ahead and posted what you wrote at the time – it makes this blog space very authentic. Thanks for sharing with us at Grace and Truth last week!
    Jen @ Being Confident of This

  12. […] have felt and been feeling impatience- I know God is working on my behalf, I know He knows our needs, and I trust that it’ll all work out in the end. I am just uncomfortable and when you are […]

  13. Ginger Harrington April 10, 2015 at 11:51 am - Reply

    I empathize with you in your frustration, both with the situation and with yourself. We all face this battle though the circumstances may be different. Transition can be so very challenging. As a military wife, transition is a regular part of our life and it is hard. Yet on the other side of settled there are such blessings.

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