Today, I’m going share some thoughts coming from a very deep and personal place. They may come off that they are all over the place, but they are on my heart and mind, and I need to get them off my chest. It’s a lot, so I know if you read the whole thing, then you must be interested.
I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I don’t always know what I am doing or what is going to happen when I do something, but I try very hard to be a good person.
I’m going to be thirty years old in eleven days; and I am in such a weird place in my life right now. I feel as though I am in limbo, waiting for the something to happen, for God to show me which way to go.
My dreams are vast and I think sometimes they make me sick. My life and mind gets so loud sometimes I just want to do anything to make it stop. I want to disconnect from this world because it feels like its killing, the news, the internet, television, I’d like to stop downloading new images in my head everyday. I want a quieter life; I want to dream, read, paint, write poetry, live in a small friendly town –like in a hallmark movie (if those exist) and be surrounded by the love of great friends and family.
I don’t understand why life has to be the way it is with so much bad things happening all around and people not caring for one another and trusting each other. It breaks my heart the way we have become such a selfish, self-absorb kind of people. I want to separate myself from that; I find the people of this world (if they still exist); who are loving, kind, unselfish and not afraid to give a helping hand.
Right now I am weary of people. Left, right and center I have come across people so wrapped up in their own lives they are too busy to be a friend. I have experienced that first hand, when the people I have come to love very much, were no where to be found, in a time of my life, when friendship and support was much needed.
Last year, I was going to the hospital back and forth monthly, then eventually weekly. You see, my unborn son was sick (from since I was 5 months pregnant) and I choose to continue with the pregnancy despite the fact that the doctors said he did not have a chance. I told my church about this and updated them every Sunday, they prayed for us, but then I realized that during the week, between Sundays it was as though we were forgotten. No one called to see how the visit with the doctor went or how we were doing; it was a lonely feeling.
This started to really upset me, so I decided I was better off not going at all. We weren’t in church for two months before we got literally one or maybe two phone calls. After my son died; and we haven’t been in church for 4 months, still not receiving calls, emails, nothing; the Pastor announced to the congregation what happened. I thought, now surely someone will call it, someone will send a card; one week, two weeks, three weeks, nothing, except a bouquet of flowers that the Pastor sent “on behalf of the church.” I also received verbal messages sent through the only friend who was with us the whole time, “tell Latisha I said hi,” “tell her I just giving her time to catch herself.” What the @#$%?
This made me so angry and heartbroken, that I never wanted to see that church again, but my husband wanted us to go back, so I went.
After some time, I had words on my heart I really wanted to share about the whole experience with my son and I asked the Pastor if she’d let me say a word to the congregation. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to speak during the time usual allocated to the Sunday word, but only asked for twenty minutes to do a testimony and show pictures of my son via slideshow. She wanted me to cut it down to ten minutes and thought my slideshow would make people uncomfortable. I felt a knife pierce my heart when she said that.
That same evening, after that conversation on the phone, I was in her car. We were on our way to a prayer meeting at someone’s home. I tried to appeal my case to show Kaiden’s pictures one more time. I told her that it was important to me, and that it was something I needed to do to get closure. I was extremely hurt by her response. It looked like one of anger, because I was disagreeing with her and then her words cut deep when she accused me of being selfish because I kept saying “it was important to me.”
What she didn’t know is that the reasons why it was so important to me is that I wanted people to know it was okay to ask me about my son, I wanted people not to sweep what happened to our family under the rug, like it didn’t happen, I wanted to heal, come to a place of forgiveness and continue to serve at this church.
Her response could have made a huge difference in how this year was going to be for my family, she could have help us heal; instead she brought us to a place of more anxiety and heartbreak. Her behavior, in which there is no way I could describe it so you’d understand; lead me to the realization of some things, she was not a very kind lady, nor a very wise one for that matter and she is not a very good Pastor. A chain of events ensued after that. I spoke the truth in love as I saw it to her and five witnesses. I was terrified because I had never done anything like that before. It didn’t end well.
Nothing good came out of it, that my earthly eyes could see, but it felt like it was what God wanted me to do. Its times like these you wonder if God is real, did I do what He wanted me to do or did I do what I thought He wanted me to do? How can you trust yourself, when some thing inside of speaks so strongly and you obey, then it doesn’t turn out so well.
I stayed at the church a while after that, but knew things had permanently changed and not for the better. Instead of my words being taken as a way to improve on the way things are done and are handled at the church. I was treated like an outcast. Sunday mornings became increasingly emotionally draining, as I tried to be the kind of woman God designed me to be. Eventually, it became too much and I knew I had to leave.
So now, here I am no friends, no church. Not knowing where to go from here.
To make matters worst, someone who I was sharing what I was going through with throughout this ordeal; who I was angry at for not being there when I needed her most during my season of grief; who I forgave and never told how I felt; she disappeared after I left the church. She hasn’t called me since; it has been almost 4 months.
The final thing I want to talk about is what has me extremely tied up in knots right now. Things are really tough for my family financially right now. Honestly, it amazes me that my family is not on the streets begging for food. It must be God that protects us and provides for us what we need; just like it says in Matthew 6: 25-34.
Anyway, I did something very scary and brave. I created a campaign on indiegogo.com called “Mom Who Lost Baby Wants New Life,” asking for help financially. I made a video for it and everything. I did not have any friends to share it with, so I shared it with my penpals, all very new. That may have been a stupid thing to do and will cause me some of my penpals, if not all. I was just taking a chance, having a little faith, hoping for a miracle.
Did I mention our gas will be cut off very soon, may be even today; I don’t know why the gas people haven’t arrived yet. A milestone birthday is coming for me really soon, and I wanted to celebrate it in a magnificent way. I’m glad to be 30, because I thought that last year was the end of my world. I don’t want my gas to be cut off; I hope God will show himself in a big miraculous way, especially since I feel so far away from him these days.
I was hoping that this campaign was that way. When I realized that in order for my campaign to be seen, you’d have to start by telling your friends and family about it, I knew I didn’t stand much of a chance, but I believed that with God all things are possible. So I gave it a shot. I click send and I told absolutely strangers about it. Now most might think that I am begging for money, when all I was doing is asking for help.
I was wondering, all day did I make a huge mistake, but then came to the realization, that it never hurts to try. I did this thing in a dignified manner, I was open and honest, and tried to explain that it didn’t matter if they donated or not, their friendship was more important to me, I am not sure if I put it across clearly.
I felt so stressed yesterday, when I realize no one except one responded to my heartfelt e-mail and there was no activity on my campaign. This said to me, that they probably have wiped their hands clean of me. I did get one e-mail telling me “they are no longer interested in writing me and they can’t stand people who beg for money.” I apologized and told her I understand and that I respect her for telling me.
I don’t regret trying, I was open and honest and the kind of friends I am looking for are the kind of people who don’t judge and who are willing to offer a helping hand to strangers. The kind of friend like the penpal who e-mailed me this morning and honestly told me that she understands how hard my situation must be and that she could not afford to help financially. She was such an amazing friend and she doesn’t know me. We only exchange 1 letter. She also lost a child like me. I told her that if I lost all or many penpals over this, that I am glad to have her for a pen pal. I also told her she was something special.
I don’t want to lose my penpals, but you know what I’d rather lose them now and gain true friends. Friends that communicate, not run for the door; friends that ask a question or do their research before they judge you; friends who you could be yourself with and lay it all out on the floor and be vulnerable.
I laid it out on the floor and now I am prepared to accept the consequences. I am thankful for all my blessings. A husband to hold me when I need a friend, and kids who love me just the way I am and God who made me and know me inside from out and who knows I am worth the price of postage.
I started out this article feeling all tied up in knots, but now I am reminded of who I am and what I have, and I know everything is going to be alright.
Thank you so much for reading and not judging me, you are amazing.