It is an emotionally bumpy part of my life journey I’m on right now. As one person said to me, which was just confirmation to what I already know in my heart-I would have the peace I’m looking for if I live the life I have been given, instead of trying to figure out what is God’s plan, what’s He doing? If I just trust God and be patient.
I do trust God, it is the patience I am struggling with a bit. I thought I was further along in my growth as a child of God, but through this testing I realize I still have a long way to go. I still have a lot more growing to do. Nevertheless, I am glad that I am much, much further than where I started.
This has been a transitional season for me, I know God is shaping me and my life into something pleasing to Him, and not at all to the world. I know I have to completely let go of the idea of my life making sense to the world, because it won’t. Truly, I don’t fit in this “new world.”
Since, the year began and well before that, I have been dealing with all kinds of emotions that I have not been very proud of or happy with, but they made me human.
I have felt and been feeling frustration. Frustration over the function of my home. My family of 6 have grown out of our three bedroom, eat-in kitchen, one bathroom, one living room apartment we once called home.
My homeschool hasn’t been flowing the way I would like it to, but just barely keeping itself from drowning. We are getting things done, just not in a very peaceful manner.
I struggle to find places to put things and keeping the house clean like I use to or keeping things organize.
Mind you, in the grand scheme of things, other people would probably say that I am managing just fine considering my home is never considerably messy or dusty, we are still keeping up with homeschool and we are managing to keep things from falling completely apart.
I would just like to not be just keeping my head above water day after day, since this is my everyday life. I would like my daily flow to be smoother and more peaceful.
I have felt and been feeling impatience– I know God is working on my behalf, I know He knows our needs, and I trust that it’ll all work out in the end. I am just uncomfortable and when you are uncomfortable that is when it is hardest to be patient. I know God is working on me through this wait.
These are the emotions that are in us (human beings) that God ask us not to dwell on, but to set our eyes on Him, put our trust in Him, wait on Him. I know I need His help to release these emotions to Him and welcome His peace that surpasses understanding.
Lately, I had the great pleasure of adding more wonderful emotions, to this list of emotions. Lately, I’ve started to feel fear and even disappointment.
As God draws our family closer to a season of change, which is what I want. I am afraid of stepping out of what I know to walk into the unknown with my children. I want my children to be alright and taken care of.
We are about to leave the support of what we know works for us (so to speak), to what we don’t know how it is going to work out. Truth be told, I’m afraid.
Then the most recent emotion I have had come for a visit is disappointment. I thought I found the perfect place for our family to start fresh, one where a lot of those fears where alleviated.
I could see ourselves making a new life there, but God had different plans, because that door didn’t work out, but through pursuing that door, another one, to my human mind a less beautiful and inspiring one may have opened.
My disappointment was great. I started thinking it would be much easier for me, if I give up dreaming and play whatever hand I’ve been dealt. It’s just a thought, but dreaming and hoping is in our anatomy, just like all those other emotions. It’s what makes us human.
So as I continue in my season of transition, changes and testing. I know someday soon I will emerge more beautiful than I was when this journey started.
This post was the 7th installment of my blog series “Transitions: Waiting for a Season of Change.” Would love it if you read the other post in this series.
Blessings to you.